Saturday, January 2, 2010

Your Boyfriend Supports Abortion and Premarital Sex, and You're OK With That. What?

Consider this scenario:

A single woman "Jill" is living with her boyfriend "Jack". Jack and Jill share an apartment together. Jill is a stong believer in abortion rights, and Jack supports her pro-abortion beliefs. Jill thinks it's wonderful that Jack is so supportive of her "right to choose" abortion if she so desires. Jack doesn't want to wait until marriage to have sex with Jill. That's OK with Jill, so Jack and Jill walk up the hill to their apartment and enter into an active pre-marital sex life.

If Jill was my daughter, this is what feedback and advice I would share with her:

  1. Jack's support of your pro-abortion beliefs seems noble, and may very well be, but the fact that he is unwilling to wait until marriage to have sex with you casts doubt on the nobility of his support. Is it possible that he supports your pro-abortion beliefs so that it he gets you pregnant, he won't need to worry about the complications of having a child out of wedlock because he's confident you would abort the child?
  3. Why isn't Jack willing to wait until marriage to have sex with you? Doesn't he think you're worth waiting for? Is it possible that his unwillingness to wait until marriage to have sex with you is a sign of a lack of commitment to you? He might not want to wait until marriage to have sex with you because he doubts that he will ever marry you.
  5. If Jack really loves you, and is committed to be with you, he should be willing to wait until marriage to have sex with you. If he is willing to wait, you can rest assured that he isn't interested in you primarily to receive physical pleasure from your body.
  7. Do you really want a boyfriend that supports abortion rights? What if you get pregnant, and you really want the baby, and he doesn't, and he pressures you to have an abortion? If Jack was pro-life (against abortion rights), you wouldn't have to worry about being in that situation.
I would also have a separate conversation with Jill as to why she is pro-choice/pro-abortion, and why she thinks pre-marital sex is OK, but I'd rather limit the scope of this post to the pre-marital sex and abortion rights aspects of Jill's relationship with Jack.

If Jill was your daughter, and you were fully aware of the arrangement mentioned in the scenario above, what would you say to her? What advice would you give her? Would you approve of what she is doing? If so, why? If not, why not? Please use the comment box below.


  1. Christian Prochoicer - I would be interested to hear what you would do if Jill was your daughter.

  2. Christian Prochoicer - Thanks for the article. That's a classic justification of pre-marital sex. All I can say to that is that it would be pretty sad if a couple that is happy in every way but in the bedroom would break up because sex is problematic. I'm not trying to be unsympathetic to the situation, because I know it would be difficult. Keep in mind that just because a guy or girl is great in the bedroom doesn't mean all other aspects of of a marriage to them will be great, too. I would say the chances are pretty small that things won't work out in the bedroom if a couple waits until marriage to have sex.

  3. All of your questions seem so simplistic and lack any of the true complexity of human thought and emotion. The simple act of labeling someone "pro-abortion" because they are pro-choice is the perfect example of that. No one is truly "pro-abortion." Having an abortion is a terrible decision to make. The label "pro-abortion" invokes images of women getting pregnant just so they can go get an abortion because it is soooo much fun. Having a legal right to choose whether or not you will reproduce has absolutely nothing to do with enjoying abortion. Therefore, the proper term for this political position IS ProChoice, not "pro-abortion."

    Another example of the absence of human complexity is the supposition that boyfriend only supports abortion as a method of birth control. If that were true, the slimy weasel-ness would show through in other aspects of this dude's personality.

    The second and third statements are basically the same. Does it occur to you for one second that Jill may want to have sex too? Are men the only gender that enjoy sex? Do all women have to be in love to have sex? The implication is almost that Jack is a rapist and that is a very unfair assessment to make of a man based solely on his support of abortion rights.

    As for number 4, what if Jill gets pregnant and doesn't want to keep the baby? What if she doesn't want to marry Jack? Should she then be forced to give birth? Should she spend the rest of her life trapped in a loveless marriage raising children she was forced to give birth to? Most thinking women would see that a sexual slavery.

    What advice would I give my daughter? Use birth control and use it properly.

  4. 1) Is it possible that both Jack AND Jill are unwilling to wait for marriage to have sex? You keep on talking about this as if Jack is the only one who wants to have sex. I think you're forgetting that women enjoy sex, too. My boyfriend and I both enjoy sex, and we came to the decision to have sex together. It wasn't a "Oh, he wants me to so I guess I'll do it" kind of thing. Neither of us wanted to wait.

    2) Once again, you're making it look like Jack is the only one who wants to have premarital sex. If Jack is pressuring Jill to have sex, I agree that he's not worth being in a relationship with (and that he's possibly a rapist).

    3) And yet again, you're making it look like Jack is the only one who wants to wait. My boyfriend and I both "use" eachother in the sense that we both get physical pleasure form eachother. Neither of us feel taken advantage of. We're both happy, and we get a lot more than JUST physical pleasure from eachother.

    4) Do I really want a boyfriend that supports abortion rights? Uh, YES! Having a boyfriend that doesn't support my right to my own body is worse than having a boyfriend that doesn't support my right to vote. I have to have a boyfriend that respects me and that treats me like a person, thank you very much. If Jack was anti-choice, you probably wouldn't have to worry about him pressuring you to abort, but you would have to worry about him pressuring you to go through the pregnancy. That's just as bad. We're called pro-CHOICE for a reason. Yes, I consider myself pro-abortion, just as much as I consider myself pro-pregnancy, pro-adoption, pro-breastfeeding, pro-VBAC, pro-parenting, etc. That's why I choose to call myself pro-choice. I support all of these options, and my boyfriend feels the same way.

    If Jill was my daughter, I'd want her to have a pro-choice partner. She deserves someone that respects her. As for the premaritcal sex, I'd be fine as long as she wasn't being pressured, and as long as she and her boyfriend knew how to use birth control properly.

  5. JenRuff - You read a lot into my post that isn't there. We could get into an entire discussion regarding the perceived differences between the terms "Pro-abortion" and "Pro-Choice", but that isn't the point of the post. I did not, in any way, imply that the boyfriend supports abortion as a method of birth control. I'm not sure where you got that. I purposefully did not say what Jill wanted or didn't want in regards to the situation. The intent of the post was to find out what people thought if their daughter had a boyfriend that supported abortion rights and pre-marital sex. It was not to find out what people would think if their daughter thought pre-marital sex was ok. I didn't say that Jill wanted sex, or didn't want sex. I left that question open. Of course I agree that women enjoy sex also, but that fact was not relevent to the objective of the post.

    Regarding your advice that Jill use birth control, and use it properly, keep in mind that birth control is not 100% effective in preventing pregnancies. Telling her to use birth control to prevent pregnancy is like telling her to play reproductive Russian Roulette.

    Thanks for responding.

  6. Genevieve - This is completely off topic, but why do you consider surgicl sterilization "radical"?

    I'd hardly compare using birth control to playing Russian Roulette. Many forms of birth control are 99% effective (or higher). Combine one or more methods (for example, the pill AND condoms) and you have a nearly 100% chance of preventing pregnancy. I do believe that in Russian Roulette you have a much higher chance of shooting yourself in the head.

    There are variables of course. Birth control has to be used correctly to be so effective. Pills have to be taken at the same time every day, condoms have to be put on correctly (as a rebuttal to the supposed-ineffectiveness of condoms, they've been our sole form of BC for 5 years, and I've only gotten pregnant when we stopped using them and were actively trying to do so). That's why comprehensive sex education is so important! I'll never understand why so many pro-lifers also object to sex ed, when it's been proven again and again that sex ed prevents many unwanted pregnancies, thus reduces the abortion rate.

  7. Whatever the reasons for it might be, any sex outside of marriage is defined as "free love" . . .

    Webster's dictionary defines free love as 1: the practice of living openly with one of the opposite sex without marriage; and 2: sexual relations without any commitments by either partner.

    Many people consider their choice to have sex to be an act of freedom—Freedom to make their own decisions, freedom to express their love to another, freedom to enjoy physical pleasure without marital commitment, or the freedom to feel independent and in control of their own body.

    Webster's dictionary defines freedom as 1: the quality or state of being free: as a : the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b : liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : INDEPENDENCE. 2

    3 common reasons why people start having sex:

    1) “We're in love.” Expressing your love through sex seems only natural, so why wouldn't you take that next step?

    2) “I'm afraid he'll leave me for someone else if we don't have sex.”

    3) “I need to have sex to feel confident.” Do you question your self-worth when you're not having sex?

    Are these 3 reasons "acts of freedom" by definition?

    1) “We're in love.” If he doesn't intend to marry you, then he isn't fully committed to you. When you give yourself fully to someone and they reject you, the feelings of heartbreak, insecurity and regret can imprison you for many years to come. Freedom is 1: the quality or state of being free.

    2) “I'm afraid he'll leave me for someone else.” True love does not demand sex when you aren't ready to give it. True love does not use sex to control or threaten. If you fear he'll leave you if you don't sleep with him, then he's only using you. Freedom is a : the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action.

    3) “I need to have sex to feel confident.” Sex without love can leave you feeling empty and used; worthless. You may find it difficult to maintain a lasting relationship when you later do want one, and multiple partners put you at greater risk of STI's. If your confidence comes from external sources only, it will rely completely on the fickle emotions, attractions and commitments of others. In other words, if your self-esteem is contigent on regular sex, you are in bondage to the give-and-take affections of others. Freedom is b : liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : INDEPENDENCE.

    The definition of Free Love conflicts with the definition of Freedom. Why? Because there is no freedom in a broken heart, low self-esteem, unwanted pregnancy, or an STI.

    But why should one wait for marriage when the divorce rates are so high? It seems there is no more guarantee of commitment in marriage than there is outside of marriage. The truth is, there are no guarantees in life. We can't see the future, and people we love and trust sometimes let us down. Simply being married doesn't guarantee your partner won't one day leave you or betray you. SO, WHY WAIT? It's about self-respect. It's about doing the best you can to protect your body and your heart from desolation and enslavement.

    True sexual freedom is the freedom from coercion, guilt, rejection, unwanted pregnancies, and STI'S.

  8. Genevieve - Ah, ok! Many of my 20- and 30-something childfree friends might take offense that train of thought, but I see what you mean :)

  9. Bekah, are you saying one absolutely cannot have premarital sex and still respect themselves? Because I'd have to disagree with you there.

  10. InsaneArtGurl - I don't think I want to trust birth control that is "99% effective", and has a "nearly 100% chance of preventing pregnancy." What happens if I'm the 1%? The only way to guarantee 100% that you won't get pregnant is to abstain. If a person absolutely does not want a child, can't afford a child, or isn't in a position to support a child, they should abstain from sex, and focus on other parts of their relationship.


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